Cobra Commander Conducts An Interview
by Red Witch
Summary: Cobra Commander is trying to recruit new people. It's not going that well.


**The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any GI Joe characters has gone on an interview. This is just a little insanity that came out of my little mind. **

**Cobra Commander Conducts An Interview**

"All right send in the next applicant," Cobra Commander spoke. A tall man with broad shoulders, black hair and a blue and silver uniform walked in.

"Greetings and thank you for applying for a position with Cobra," Destro spoke. "I am Destro, this is the Baroness and that is Doctor Mindbender."

"I of course am Cobra Commander, and you are…?"

"Finn, Doctor Phineas Finn, also known as the Swordfish," the mad scientist smiled as he sat down in the interview seat. "Unless you want to call me something else? I mean the name is a work in progress. I was leaning toward Doctor Piranha but I wanted to go for something not so obvious…"

"As long as it had a fish theme?" The Baroness asked.

"Right," He nodded.

"Swordfish is fine," Cobra Commander said. "Swift, deadly. We could work with that. Now as you know we are looking for a new researcher in the genetics field."

"Yes as head scientist of Cobra I'm in charge of a lot of departments and quite frankly I could use some help," Dr. Mindbender sighed. "I'm looking for someone to work directly under me. Come up with new creative ideas. New experiments. Run a couple of labs. Things like that. Why don't you tell me about your qualifications?"

"Certainly. Well I was once a researcher at the International Nautical Research station in Hawaii before I…decided to pursue a different career path. The Research facility was no longer challenging and I decided to go on my own."

"And was this before or after you were fired for unorthodox experiments and blew the center up into pieces?" The Baroness asked.

"Right about then yes," Swordfish looked at bit perturbed. "Of course it all sounds ugly if you put it like that but there really is a very logical explanation for that unfortunate incident."

"Let me guess, you got passed over for a promotion you thought you deserved?" Destro folded his arms.

"No, my wife left me for the head of my department," Swordfish shrugged.

"Oh so it was personal reasons?" Cobra Commander wrote in his notes. "That's understandable."

"I'm glad you don't hold that against me," Swordfish breathed a sigh of relief.

"No, in this business actions like that are sometimes considered an asset," Destro remarked. "What other qualifications do you have?"

"Oh I have several degrees in many scientific fields, from genetics, to oceanography to archeology," Swordfish said. "Recently I've been working independently to try and find the lost city of Atlantis. Haven't found it yet but I'm confident I should find it within two or three years. Four tops."

"Interesting," Mindbender looked at the resume before him. "It also says here you created some kind of piranha that can breathe on land?"

"Yes, a combination between a mudskipper and a piranha. I call it a Skipping Piranha," Swordfish smiled. "Unfortunately it can only travel ten feet on land but with a little more funding I might be able to breed a school of them that can swarm a small country within a few hours."

"That's very innovative," Cobra Commander was impressed.

"As you have probably guessed my particular favorite line of work deals with anything connected to the ocean," Swordfish said. "I have designs for a genetics program splicing whale genes and shark genes and adding bionics on them so that they can hold the seas hostage. But you know how funding goes…"

"Let me ask you a question Swordfish," Baroness asked. "How would you feel about working under another mad scientist that supervises your project?"

"As long as I am given free reign to experiment with new exciting aspects of aquatic technology and genetics I have no problem with it," Swordfish shrugged. "I also will assist in any non-marine project as well. Oh uh, I have been known to occasionally perform a few minor genetic experiments on people who work under me without their knowledge. That's not going to be a problem is it?"

"Anyone in management?" Cobra Commander asked.

"No. No one over me. Just the people under me."

"That's fine with me," Cobra Commander grinned under his helmet. "I can't believe a man of your many talents and ambition hasn't been snatched up by another terrorist group."

"Not for lack of trying," Swordfish snorted. "Some of them were far too squeamish about my ideas for experiments! They called me mad! And not in a good way! And some of them even complained when I did a few experiments in the nude! Can you believe that?"

"In the nude…?" The Baroness blinked.

"It saves money on lab coat cleaning bills," Swordfish shrugged. "Plus it helps me relax."

"Uh huh…" The Baroness nodded.

"Of course I am going to have to bring in my personal assistant Bruce with me," Swordfish said. "He handles all my finances and things."

"Oh of course," Mindbender nodded. "May we meet him?"

"He's right here," Swordfish pointed to the empty chair next to him. "Bruce say hello to the nice terrorists."

"Oh boy…" Destro winced. "I believe we have just stumbled upon a vital clue."

"Bruce that is not a very nice thing to say!" Swordfish said sharply to the empty space. "Shut your mouth you ingrate! Don't you **dare **do what you did on our last job interview! WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT MY MOTHER?"

"Security…" Destro calmly pushed the intercom button.

"I DON'T KNOW WHY I PUT UP WITH YOU!" Swordfish screamed at his imaginary antagonist. "NO! LIES! LIES! I AM NOT FAT! NOT FAT AT ALL! AND I CAN GET A DATE WITH A WOMAN! I JUST PREFER A DATE WITH GILLS AND FLIPPERS!"

"Code Plaid Security," Destro pushed the intercom again. "Code Plaid!"

"THAT'S IT! YOU'RE GOING TO PAY FOR INSULTING MY MOTHER YOU…" Swordfish jumped up and began to wrestle an imaginary opponent.

"Well he's entertaining. I'll give him that," Cobra Commander remarked as Swordfish was put in an imaginary choke hold.

"So is Road Pig and we already have one of him!" Destro said.

"Shouldn't that be two of him?" Mindbender asked.

"YOU RUINED MY LIFE! I AM NEVER GOING SHOPPING WITH YOU AGAIN!" Swordfish screamed as he was dragged away by some soldiers. "Oh you'll all call me will you?"

"Certainly. We'll give you a call," Destro said. As soon as Swordfish was out of the room he added: "When pigs fly, pigeons sing and sea monkeys are running the Department of Defense!"

"The scary part of this is that he was the most qualified applicant we had," Cobra Commander groaned.

"He was the **only** applicant we had!" Destro snapped. "Unless you count Monkeywrench and his trained alligator."

"And out of the two of them the alligator was the smarter one," Baroness agreed. "And the cleaner."

"And the one least likely to destroy the lab," Mindbender agreed.

"Okay we have got to go to a head hunting agency or something," Cobra Commander sighed.

"How about the nearest bar?" Mindbender suggested. "So we can get a drink?"

"Even better!" Cobra Commander said.


End file.
